Friday, September 17, 2010

i see, therefore i live

well here's a secret: about six years ago i tried killing myself. yeah i know, shocker. details of which are now blurred, and all i can recall is this faint memory of me lying on an E.R. stretcher with a tube up my nose all the way down to my throat. it was close to midnight and i was freezing, my teeth was chattering, and the only thing worse than that freakishly uncomfortable tube was the sight of havin your gooey insides slowly pass through it to a nearby bucket of sloshy tummy froth mostly made up of bits of dinner, indigested godknowswhat and bile. well mostly bile.

The last thing i saw before that delectably scrumptious sight, was my dad frantically pacing back and forth which i remember made me feel more woozy than i was all evening -now see this is the type of thing that's too intense for me to recount so forgive me if my retelling sucks. hey it's a sensitive subject after all- so lessee, i was on a stretcher.. nuhwait, i remember it now... pills. i raided our meds cabinet and popped every pill and tablet i could find onto my eager mouth. haha. pretty crazy, now that i remember it. 'sides i found out that you don't really die from goin berserk on 'em pills. you just damage your liver, turn yellow or sumthin and only on severe cases where treatment won't work on you that you die, not instantly, but yeah, you still die. like i said, crazy.

after takin 'em pills, i went to my room to die in peace and next thing i knew my mom was banging on my door askin for where all her headache tablets went. i didn't answer. i just wanted her to fuckn leave me alone and die.


mom actually sounded more histerical than pissed that night.

"I took 'em ma. swallowed 'em. All of 'em."
apparently she had a spare key so locking up was useless. she told me after, that she was tryin her best to shake an answer out of me but only garbled shit came out and i kinda puked after mumbling a response. haha.

after that, things kinda went waaay too fast. my dad hauled my groggy ass to the nearby hospital and i got admitted there for two weeks. on a private room where my dad insisted on placing me, instead of where the nurses initially decided on, despite the costs. my dad wasn't too keen on having his son stay at the hospital basement -where all the cuckoo people who undergo electrocution, or some sort of cruel therapy like the ones you saw in movies, were, and are under supervision like 24/7. some act of love perhaps? who knows? my guess is that the thought of havin a gay suicidal offspring, people can now label as mentally unfit was just too much for him to handle. can only take too much i guess. one scandal at a time.. (well we're not close so how should i know?) then i got my blood tested, waited for the toxin count results -waay too high when it came- so i had to ugh, take in black mud-ish charcoal solutions for toxin destabilization, shit black bricks of poo because of that, go to therapy, blew it and decided i don't need sumthin that's waay to costly and figured swearing to god and all things holy that i ain't doin that shit again for the rest of my life is just substantially more effective than any therapy i could consider. hey, i love my liver now! right, buddy? cheers! haha.

oh and i also missed the final exams week thereby ruining my chances of ever finishing my hectic art school program. im not gonna delve much on what drove me to do it cuz that would take a while but let me tell you that THAT was just one of the saddest moments of my life. you have no idea how hard it was growin up tryin to live up to my parents' expectations. but then i guess you do now. comin' out unexpectedly sure is a bitch when you have a mom who wants her nose on everyone's business and a dad who doesn't really care. particularly when they both have a clear, hard-set opinion on what's wrong and what's right FOR THIS FAMILY. guess i just grew tired of it. i was stumped. grades were on an all time low, plates starting to suck, projects piled on top of another, ive got terror teachers and fake classmates to deal with everyfreakinweek, i got some ex-boyfriend shit on the side, oh and some week prior i think, a robber took my phone on the way home.. what a life, huh? but none of that beats goin home findin out yer mom read yer archived online conversations, through a disownment letter saved on the computer desktop. yep. and im thinkin you already have an idea of what stuff those archives had. yeah its stupid now, but back then that was all it took for me to make one stupid decision.

you know youtube rosario was right, if i close my eyes i do become invisible. maybe that's what i thought then. if i close my eyes i see nothing. all becomes nothing. even myself. an absolute, pitch-black, nothing. no teenage abnormal freakshow. no sixteen-year-old disappointment. 
no fucked up letter of shame and parental disownment. no disgusting, deviant, godforsaken perverted excuse for a son.  no nothing. no questions. no answers. and just like she said, if there are no answers, then there are no problems. that simple.

the idea is you drug yourself so you won't feel a thing. 'cuz numbness is the closest thing you get to ignorance, which is, as they say, bliss. except you don't get numb from all that drugs, you die. and death is something final. not at all blissful. life's sumthin you gotta cherish. and the experiences you get with it as well. i dont do regrets cuz that's for people who get high on angst and the crappy vibes that come with it. what i'm all for, are the lessons that i get from these regrettable situations.

it's a good thing my parents decided to well, not totally accept things, but i guess be somewat open-minded to it? with less hostility of course. and no, i don't get to bring dates home, and they never really did outright express any form of affirmation towards my preference or orientation, but still, there's the word "after college". s'like after their obligations, i could do whatever the hell i could. and that's fine. least it got somewhere. in a household where rules are pretty much shoved up yer face all the time, you'd take whatever exception you can get.

fast forward to now, im already out of college. and it surprises me how i could care less about boyfriends or dating these days. guess i did mature a bit. (ha!) but i figured, what it all boils down to is never really the right to do what you wanna do or to get what you want, but to take a stand for yourself. im not advocating cowardice here, like the stupidity of my past actions and stuff. my point is: no matter how fucked up i reacted, i made a decision that night. to stand for what i think is right. obviously, i went for the wrong path, when clearly it's better if i had opened my eyes and thought of other ways to make people see my take on things, show them how wonderful it is to embrace diversity and accept people for who they are. now you can close your eyes all you want, ignoring stuff doesn't really solve anything. i know that now. the real shocker here is: if my parents closed their mind completely, they could've lost everything. including me.

so value life. and use yer eyes. who knows what answers you could get from using it.


  1. Right now reading your blog was very timely because I needed to disappear. You are one hell of a read, and yes I still am reading through the rest of the articles that you have and this stuck to my thoughts like butter in my tongue.

    "...if I close my eyes I do become invisible. Maybe that's what I thought then. If I close my eyes I see nothing. All becomes nothing. Even myself. An absolute, pitch-black, nothing. ... No questions. No answers... That simple."

    I look forward to reading your thoughts day to day.
    -Aik C.

  2. thanks aik c. i dont have that much articles yet but ive a few of em comin up. so yeah, thanks! :D

  3. I have this friend who killed himself on several occasions, and never succeeded. He looked awful as they were pumping the antibiotics from him, blood was streaming in steady intervals from that plastic tube that was coming out of his nose. He was trying to vomit into this pail that was to his left, it all smelled bad, and we spent three rolls of tissue paper wiping away all that snot, and saliva, and mucus from his face. He used to be so pretty.

    He still is, but there's always that memory.

    Cheers Clay!

  4. still, it's a good thing he survived. thanks for the comment. :)

  5. Clay, you were right. It is intense.

    But, you gotta admit, that was a rather effective method of getting a parent's acceptance. Whew.

    You know, I have never tried to kill myself, though there a time I wished I were dead. Just so I wouldn't feel anything.


  6. At least that's over now. Suicide's never an option although at times, it is most inviting.

  7. @Kane: i'll say. before id be pestered with demands of gettin a wife and starting a family. now, what i get are requests for grandchildren, just cuz i told 'em i still plan on gettin kids, but only through surrogacy by ivf.

    @citybuoy: most inviting indeed.

    you guys take care.
    and thanks for reading.

  8. i actually tried to kill myself three times when i was a kid. mostly i woke up and just threw up for a whole day and survived. my mom never knew until i had to go to therapy.

    lol i feel kind of stupid but yeah haha