explosives

Bombs. Vicious weapons of massive wanton destruction. Even its radioactive mumbo-jumbo properties are so devastating, the mere thought of it leaves one distraught, helpless, and nauseous. The Brutality. The Torture. It's only fitting they use the phrase "dropped a bomb" when someone tells you sumthin completely unexpected. that or sumthin bowel-related.
 

Harvey and I dated some years back. Longest one I had, really. He was this brash, snarky dude who somehow did have his own charm beneath all his... hostility. Long story short, he broke up with me over our "fights". Somehow, to us, the words "opposites attract" suddenly seemed like a warning for things that are to blow up,

...and things blew up indeed.

I never had anything against him. And if you know me, I'm not one to hold a grudge. To tell you the truth, I do take pride in knowin that what I had with him was -albeit, chaotic- it was truthful, accurate and authentic. Read: no third parties involved.

But this is where things get interesting. Two-three months after another break up, I found myself with Harvey. A drink night. With friends. And beer. Lots of it. Now drink nights with Harvey usually end up err... some place else, and that night wasn't an exception. Surprisingly, at one point, I caught myself tearin up. Just felt kinda lonely I guess. Post-break up and all. 

Embarrassed, I had to excuse myself and wander out back in case his friends find out I'm cryin silly and things get too awkward. I don't like when things get awkward.

So I was quietly sheddin tears on the street out back. Beside a lamp post. It was close to midnight. And there I was. Standing cold, buzzed, and feelin empty and just fuckn alone. Next thing I knew, Harvey crept beside me. Sensing the weight of his arm around my shoulder, I felt him breathe onto my ear.

"..If only I knew you'd just end up crying and hurt, I never would have let you go.”
Bam. A bit melodramatic but to be honest, yeah, it got to me.

Now you see, the number one stupidest moment of my life was gettin my heart broken by the guy I was cryin for that night. A different guy. Number two was falling for Harvey's line. You see, Harvey cheated. That's the bomb I was gettin at. Don't ask me details but I got reasonable proof so that's that.

I’ve actually known it for months now and I’d like to say I’ve made peace with it but I haven't. Then one day. A text. An invitation. Another one of his drink nights. I should've thought of it more carefully that night, but just like that impulse replied. "Sure man, no problem". Click, reply, sent. Poof. There you go. Mayhem on a platter. Maybe I was bored, maybe it was the free alcohol, but it sure wasn't cuz I miss him. Told him I’d go only if I got to leave early. I don’t really have to. It’s just. I’m not up to havin drunk trysts with him like we used to. Not after what I knew.

So there we were, me getting comfortable and him trying desperately to feign his nonchalance. To no avail, of course. I could see past his bluff. And why couldn't I have not seen it before. There. Right in his very eyes. A spark. Like he's, well... happy. More than, actually. Every touch. Every brush. Every flirt and flicker. S'like I’m this hope for mankind type of thing to him. Like I’m this big fuckn assurance that nothing can ever go wrong cuz I’m there with him. And it's sad. Cuz no matter where I see it, or how I make of it, all I can feel for him was pity.

"Hey d'you remember Trish, that friend of mine you called a whore?"

It was drink night. You could say anything on a drink night. You exaggerate things on drink night. 
You could even make things up on drink night.

"Oh yeah, what about her? Did she get a disease? Or... or screwed with, how many? 
eight guys at once this time?! hahaha!" I flinched. Trish and I were close. 
Clearly I forgot how biased he was against her.

"No, no it's just, she's askin for advice...”

Intrigued he said, "...go on."

And so I made up a story based on what he did but removed all hints that I know he could trace back to us. 
It was, after all, drink night. I could pull it off. I’m good at this.

"..And so the guy started texting her again and she said, do I tell him I cheated once, 
come clean, guilt-free and all... but risk losing him,"

"..or do I entertain the illusion?" "You know, the lie she built, that, according to her, wasn't really gonna matter. 
If things work out and they end up happy together -the whole the end justifies the means sorta thing."

A pause. I’m surprised he actually listened. And that he understood. 
Took him a while to reply though. But boy was he in deep thought.

"Wow that's deep... I don't know..." Like I said. Deep. 
But boy he sure wasn't gettin out of this one. Not if I could help it.

"Seriously H, if you were on her shoes what would you do?"

"That’s tough. Hmm... Lessee... if it was me, hell I’d fake it. If the guy's indeed a catch, you know I would. That’s how things are. You grab 'em by the balls and you see to it things get done your way. Eyes on the prize. Nothing fuckn matters long as you get what you want."

This is the annoying part. The way he's so sure of his resolve. That rotten outlook he has on things. 
I hated every second of it. Clearly I forgot how arrogant he was.

"So fake it, huh?"

"Yup!"

"Even if the guy forgives her?"

"EVEN if the guy forgives her."

"Even if the guy knew all along and STILL decides to forgive her...”

"EVEN if the guy knew and decides to fuckn marry--JEEZUZ CLAY! those stuff only happens in  movies man! How can you be sure they'll end up blissful?! I've had it with your idealistic fantasies! It's crazy, and it's pointless. You don't KNOW what's gonna happen, so stop pretending like you do and stop being WEAK!" ...okay ouch?!

"Well clearly I can't be sure. And you're right. Thing’s like that don't happen. I can't forgive you. And that just proves how absolutely right of me never to. I know you cheated Harvey. Sorry I can no longer pretend I’m okay with it. Goodbye. FUCK YOU. And stay the hell out of my life you fuckn liar!"

And just like that I walk out. Vanish. The look on his face was priceless. Makes it all worth it. I’m good at surprises. He totally never saw that bomb coming. Some night I swear he'd never forget. That hurt you know. His comment. But that's him been rude. I forgot how abrasive he could get.

It rained that night. Cab froze on the way home. He could've died. I wish he did. But he didn't. 
And that's really not how things turned out.

"Seriously H, if you were on her shoes what would you do?"

"Well for one, I barely know Trish. OR the guy she was with," "It’s different with people you know, how you think you've completely figured out how their gears work. You assume things and still they do a complete turnaround."

"Life can sometimes be a big bet, and sometimes no matter how sure you are 
that yer in it for the win, tables turn and you lose."

Oh wow! Where d'THAT shit come from?!

"You can give her one of these two answers...” "One, she can flat-out admit to the guy what she did. Just so she could sleep at night knowing she did the right thing, but risk her chance at happiness in doing so..." "or, she can go on with her life dating the guy and do her best -god knows how- to forget she ever had a secret in the first place -and I know it's gonna sound callous for you but try to look at it from this perspective: maybe... maybe she's already suffered enough. Maybe all those years of guilt IS her punishment. Maybe she can make up for her mistake through a different kind of pain -not losing the guy- but knowing, deep inside, that what they had was nothing but a lie. And a wicked, tainted one at that. I mean, think about it. If she decides to stand up for a lie then it's goin' to be HER burden for a very long time..."

Okay capital WHOAH?! Back up a sec -why do I feel like I’m the one on the spotlight here? He knows. He knows he knows he knows! Oh noes, he knows what I know. Crap. John fuckn Mayer I’m captain backfire now.

"Hmm... Good point."

"So which one you plan on givin her?"

"You know what, I’m givin her both. I’ll let HER think about it."
…and think about it I will.

"Well that ain't much help."

"Au contraire, that's one big help man." "That second one, either it's gonna hurt, 
or she'll definitely make sumthin of it."

"Cool. Wish her luck for me then." "Oh and quit the googly eyes, people are startin to stare...”

"haha. Can’t help it Harv,"
and just barely above a whisper.

"...you look stunning."

A moment. Faces just an inch apart. He smiles. And just like any other night, 
we laugh our antics off with cigarettes, sisig and cheap beer.

Sumthin odd about his smile tho. It seemed almost too perfect. Like it's there to hide sumthin. The fact that he's hurting perhaps? Well he must be. Said so himself. different kind of pain... nothing but a lie.. if only I hadn't known. But I did. And what he said made sense. Fact is, he cheated. And it sucks for him. Really it does. And maybe I’ll leave it at that. He’s had his turn. We don't hold each other's destinies after all.

I gave him everything once. It’s not my fault he gave up on me, crushed my heart, and apparently got to cheat on me too. But who gets to say if a person deserves another person, really? What happens when the faults, the suspicions, the ugly secrets get their own sensible reasons, or in this case, fair justification?

I’m as clueless as you are.

But here's the clincher though. All that? None of that really happened. No text. No confrontation. No drink night. No intoxicated epiphanies. No nothing. All in my head. Could've yeah. But the opportunity just never presented itself.

And besides maybe fictional Harvey was right.

The endless pining, the regret, the what if's and the how could I's -maybe that is indeed torture enough. 
And even I am not that brutal.