explosives

Bombs. Vicious weapons of massive wanton destruction. Even its radioactive mumbo-jumbo properties are so devastating, the mere thought of it leaves one distraught, helpless, and nauseous. The Brutality. The Torture. It's only fitting they use the phrase "dropped a bomb" when someone tells you sumthin completely unexpected. that or sumthin bowel-related.
 

Harvey and I dated some years back. Longest one I had, really. He was this brash, snarky dude who somehow did have his own charm beneath all his... hostility. Long story short, he broke up with me over our "fights". Somehow, to us, the words "opposites attract" suddenly seemed like a warning for things that are to blow up,

...and things blew up indeed.

I never had anything against him. And if you know me, I'm not one to hold a grudge. To tell you the truth, I do take pride in knowin that what I had with him was -albeit, chaotic- it was truthful, accurate and authentic. Read: no third parties involved.

But this is where things get interesting. Two-three months after another break up, I found myself with Harvey. A drink night. With friends. And beer. Lots of it. Now drink nights with Harvey usually end up err... some place else, and that night wasn't an exception. Surprisingly, at one point, I caught myself tearin up. Just felt kinda lonely I guess. Post-break up and all. 

Embarrassed, I had to excuse myself and wander out back in case his friends find out I'm cryin silly and things get too awkward. I don't like when things get awkward.

So I was quietly sheddin tears on the street out back. Beside a lamp post. It was close to midnight. And there I was. Standing cold, buzzed, and feelin empty and just fuckn alone. Next thing I knew, Harvey crept beside me. Sensing the weight of his arm around my shoulder, I felt him breathe onto my ear.

"..If only I knew you'd just end up crying and hurt, I never would have let you go.”
Bam. A bit melodramatic but to be honest, yeah, it got to me.

fingercrossing

Good Lord SAVE ME from this monotony! ugh. i see ripples dang it! when i particularly said i wanted tsunamis. well. not really said it but. clearly. by the looks of it, seems im not gonna get what i want now. least, not anytime soon. this. is sooo not cool. id effin rape chance and luck if i could. PLEASE. for once. just once. have the cosmic balance or whatnot, sway in favor of good ole' me. -ive an audition this weekend. im broke, and i really really REALLY need the part. :( wish me luck, break my leg i don't care what i do but i gots to get my career off to a start.

why so whiny

"I built a world of dreams where everything's perfect. where everyday's more perfect than before. where everyone's all perfect and all things are all quite perfect pretend. where the lines between truth, and lie -such a strong scathing word- are blurred. and each dream fades into reality and back. so don't, for the love of all things beautiful, ask me what the truth is. because the truth is. so now you can hate me. is that all this is fake. the truth is we are sad lonely creatures and the colorful lies we powder our noses with are all that we have against this harsh world."

It's gettin harder and harder for me to breathe. considering how awfully free my days are. i caught myself hyperventilating again. boy this sinking feelin sure is HELL. the past anomalies i've caused are catching up on me. and envy is such a dark dark sin. and so is pride. but what of pity. and indolence. argh. 

"What if... I should have..."

"If i could've just.... it would've been..."

"If only.. but what then..."

Ah the magnificent shades of gloom.. if words were paint and our thoughts were canvas, imagine the poisonous hues these phrases would cast. i'm caught up in the trysts and treasons. between fate, and dreams, and expectations. and a myriad of other abstract figures, all horny and having quite the grandest orgy of their lives on a dorm room bunk bed. and i'm the unfortunate college nobody at the top bunk, trying and failing to have a proper rest between the terrors, the tremors below, the moans and creaks, the irritating asian girl screams. seriously. that's how im feelin. s'like an endless migraine. and it doesn't help that the vast emptiness of my future and its amusing contrasts to the immense tangents of paths and streams. that root and branch to a dizzying number of possibilities. overwhelm me. 

To an extent where i'm too fazed, too dazed to even function. ultimately cursed to spend weeks and weeks of unproductive web surfing, online whoring, sketchpad doodling, drunk partying, photo tagging, and couch potatoeing. bleh. just effin disgusting. but i'd like to justify things a little and say that im honing my skills -of what sort i'm too lazy to even waste a brain cell on- but even that is sumthin id rather not waste my brain cell on. i'm not makin any sense. i swear. at the rate of how things are goin, i could've rotten to a stinkin old hermit by now. but even so, one thing's for sure, i'd milk whatever artform i could from it. so have all the sick groping and pumping and wild fuckin you want fate. guess what. im makin a porno. peace out. clay.

ps. if you thought i wasn't THAT grimy i apologize. haha. this is me ranting. just that my influences include blood, gore, and sex. but considering things, who knows.. maybe i could treat you to real dirt someday. just not now k? aryt now bugger off.